In a startling turn of events, co-hosts for the third Summit For Democracy have banned the United States from the 2024 event citing undemocratic tendencies in the country, and specifically mentioning the banning of all the Winnie The Pooh books.
South Korean President Yoon Suk-yeol called the decision by Governor DeSantis and the Florida state legislature “the last straw!”
“I don’t care if Ron DeSantis thinks the books are too woke. I believe that author Alan Alexander Milne is one of the greatest literary figures in the history of writing – second only to William Shakespeare!”
“Christipher Robin is a hero to millions of children who wouldn’t ever get a good night’s sleep without their parents reading at least one chapter to them at bedtime.”
The third Summit For Democracy is scheduled to take place in South Korea March 29 -30, 2024.
The banning of the US is particularly embarrassing to President Joe Biden who introduced the first Summit For Democracy in 2021.
Our unnamed sources at the White house claim they witnessed the President throwing an uncharacteristic Trump-style temper tantrum, smashing official white house coffee mugs against the wall and vowing,
“Heads are gonna roll over this, and I’m not kidding!”
Two oval office aides reportedly took cover under their desks and called 911.
China’s President Xi Jinping was jubilant at the decision. The Chinese government released a very brief and simple statement:
“That’s what they get for banning TikTok. It serves them right!”
Summit co-hosts Namibia, The Dominican Republic and Slovakia agreed to the prohibition of the United States wholeheartedly. In a combined statement they pointed out that the US ranking on the World Press Freedom Index has been declining steadily since former President Trump announced that he would declare himself “Dictator For Life” and throw all reporters in jail as soon as he was released from prison.
Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene told her rabid supporters,
“Who cares? I never really thought democracy was a good idea anyway. It was invented by Radical Leftist Marxist Antifa Democrats!”
In a terse statement, Russian strongman Vlad Putin smiled for the state-controlled TV news cameras in Moscow saying,
“It is fitting that President Joe has an egg on his face. I’m sure that NATO will now collapse and I have a feeling that he won’t get his spies and pot smoking athletes released from my prisons in time for Christmas.”
At today’s press briefing Biden was adamant that the decision to ban the United States would be overturned. He told the White House press corps,
“They obviously don’t know who’s in control here. We are completely dedicated to the idea of democracy even if we have to invade other nations to prove it. I plan to launch Operation Democracy Storm the first thing tomorrow morning after my champagne brunch with some corporate bigwigs. We’ll show ’em who loves democracy!”
The Summit For Democracy co-hosts also cited a few other minor reasons for opposing the participation of the US including:
- The prosecution of whistleblower Julian Assange
- Harassment and arrests of journalists covering Black Lives Matter protests
- Increasing monopolization of the news media by a handful of powerful corporations
- False right-wing propaganda promulgated by the Fox “news” network regarding the results of the 2020 presidential election and the January 6 insurrection in Washington DC.
It is still unclear whether the decision will stand, but for now we must quote a famous anonymous baseball fan who pined after the 1919 White Sox threw the World Series for gambling money,
“Say it ain’t so Joe…”
