It was my brother Jeff who was the doer. Always making things, working on this or that, good at math and physics in school.
I was the thinker. Always gazing off into the distance pondering the big questions. What is life? What is death? What is man? What is woman?
It’s that last one that really puzzled me. Jeff got married, started his own business, got rich. I got tongue-tied around girls, took a philosophy degree, and had an income commensurate with my degree. I check the want ads daily. Never have I seen Philosopher Needed – Top Dollar.
So I never understood why the aliens abducted me. It was Jeff they wanted. They must have got their wires crossed.
Now I’m not gay but I didn’t mind the anal probe so much. Learning the alien language wasn’t too bad either. They put a silver disc on my forehead and I started talking to them. It was the interview that really got them.
They kept asking about stuff I didn’t know, technology, armaments, rocket ships, manufacturing. I wasn’t much help. But I gave them a good dose of Hegel, Nietzsche, and Wittgenstein. I don’t think they were ready for that. They started babbling. They sent me up the ladder. I kept expounding and their confusion deepened. Evidently philosophy wasn’t their strong suit. Like I said they got the wrong guy.
They could only deal with me for so long. Before I knew it they had beamed me back home and departed Earth posthaste. And that’s how I saved the world with philosophy.
